{"id":74737,"date":"2021-12-23T07:42:16","date_gmt":"2021-12-23T06:42:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fjala.info\/?p=74737"},"modified":"2021-12-23T19:46:34","modified_gmt":"2021-12-23T18:46:34","slug":"humbja-e-fese-dhe-gjetja-e-ekstazes-ne-hjuston","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jehonashqiptare.al\/fjala\/humbja-e-fese-dhe-gjetja-e-ekstazes-ne-hjuston\/","title":{"rendered":"Humbja e fes\u00eb dhe gjetja e ekstaz\u00ebs n\u00eb Hjuston"},"content":{"rendered":"

Un\u00eb jam larguar nga feja institucionale p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime, pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vjet duke \u00e7montuar at\u00eb q\u00eb nd\u00ebrtuan t\u00eb pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00ebt e para. <\/em>Ilustrimi nga Shawna X<\/span><\/p>\n

Histori Personale | Numri 27 maj 2019<\/em><\/p>\n

Krishterimi formoi instinktet e mia m\u00eb t\u00eb thella dhe un\u00eb jam larguar prej tij p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Nga Jia Tolentino<\/strong>, 20 maj 2019<\/em> – NewYorker.com<\/a> – P\u00ebrktheu Arben \u00c7okaj<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

K<\/span>isha ku u rrita ishte aq e madhe sa e quajt\u00ebm Repentagon. Nuk ishte nj\u00eb struktur\u00eb e vetme, por nj\u00eb kampus prej tridhjet\u00eb e kat\u00ebr milion\u00eb dollar\u00ebsh, e nd\u00ebrtuar n\u00eb vitet nj\u00ebmij\u00eb e n\u00ebnt\u00ebqind e tet\u00ebdhjeta dhe e shtrir\u00eb n\u00eb dyzet e dy hektar\u00eb, n\u00eb nj\u00eb lagje me gjethe, e bardh\u00eb, dhjet\u00eb milje n\u00eb per\u00ebndim t\u00eb qendr\u00ebs s\u00eb Hjustonit. Nj\u00eb planimetri rrethore me nj\u00eb shat\u00ebrvan n\u00eb mes, t\u00eb \u00e7onte n\u00eb nj\u00eb shenjt\u00ebrore t\u00eb bardh\u00eb si kock\u00eb, q\u00eb kishte vend p\u00ebr tet\u00ebqind vet\u00eb; pran\u00eb saj ishte nj\u00eb kish\u00ebz e vog\u00ebl, modeste dhe e p\u00ebrulur, me mure blu t\u00eb zbeht\u00eb. Kishte gjithashtu nj\u00eb shkoll\u00eb, nj\u00eb restorant, nj\u00eb librari, tre fusha basketbolli, nj\u00eb qend\u00ebr ushtrimesh dhe nj\u00eb pasqyr\u00eb e lakuar konkave. Kishte nj\u00eb fush\u00eb t\u00eb thar\u00eb me zbardhues dhe, pran\u00eb saj, nj\u00eb shesh loj\u00ebrash t\u00eb p\u00ebrhapur; gjat\u00eb vitit shkollor, ritmi i vrullsh\u00ebm i praktik\u00ebs s\u00eb futbollit u p\u00ebrhap n\u00eb kakofonin\u00eb e prerjes p\u00ebrmes nj\u00eb kufiri poroz t\u00eb lisave me myshk. Parkingje t\u00eb p\u00ebrmasave t\u00eb qendr\u00ebs tregtare qarkuan n\u00ebp\u00ebr kampus; t\u00eb dielave dukej si nj\u00eb shit\u00ebs makinash dhe gjat\u00eb jav\u00ebs dukej si nj\u00eb k\u00ebshtjell\u00eb, e rrethuar nga nj\u00eb hendek asfalti. N\u00eb mes t\u00eb gjith\u00e7kaje ishte nj\u00eb katedrale e korporat\u00ebs me tet\u00eb an\u00eb, gjasht\u00ebkat\u00ebshe e quajtur Qendra e Adhurimit, e cila kishte vend p\u00ebr gjasht\u00eb mij\u00eb njer\u00ebz.<\/p>\n

Brenda kishte dy ballkone t\u00eb m\u00ebdha, nj\u00eb jumbotron (ekran i madh)<\/em>, nj\u00eb organ me gati dyqind ndalesa dhe m\u00eb shum\u00eb se dhjet\u00eb mij\u00eb tuba dhe nj\u00eb vat\u00ebr pag\u00ebzimi t\u00eb ndezur. N\u00ebna ime ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb punonte si kameramane p\u00ebr sh\u00ebrbimet e kish\u00ebs, duke filmuar \u00e7do zhytje prapa n\u00eb uj\u00eb sikur t\u00eb ishte nj\u00eb fush\u00eb e lig\u00ebs kryesore. Kishte ndenj\u00ebse me nivele p\u00ebr nj\u00eb kor t\u00eb bebeve, q\u00eb k\u00ebndonte n\u00eb sh\u00ebrbimin n\u00ebnt\u00eb e tridhjet\u00eb, nj\u00eb zon\u00eb performimi p\u00ebr grupin e sht\u00ebpis\u00eb s\u00eb Gen X n\u00eb or\u00ebn nj\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb dhe dritare me xham me njolla t\u00eb larta deri n\u00eb qiell, q\u00eb p\u00ebrshkruanin fillimin dhe fundin e bot\u00ebs. Ju mund ta kaloni gjith\u00eb jet\u00ebn tuaj brenda Pentagonit, duke filluar n\u00eb \u00e7erdhe, duke vazhduar deri n\u00eb klas\u00ebn e dymb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, duke u martuar n\u00eb kish\u00eb, duke ndjekur studimin e Bibl\u00ebs p\u00ebr t\u00eb rritur \u00e7do fundjav\u00eb, duke pag\u00ebzuar f\u00ebmij\u00ebt tuaj n\u00eb Qendr\u00ebn e Adhurimit dhe duke takuar koleg\u00ebt tuaj pensionist\u00eb p\u00ebr tenis dhe nj\u00eb sandui\u00e7 me sallat\u00eb pule, t\u00eb sigurt n\u00eb njohurin\u00eb se t\u00eb dashurit tuaj do t\u00eb mblidheshin n\u00eb shenjt\u00ebrore p\u00ebr t’ju nderuar pas vdekjes suaj.<\/p>\n

Kisha u themelua n\u00eb vitin 1927 dhe shkolla u themelua dy dekada m\u00eb von\u00eb. N\u00eb koh\u00ebn kur arrita atje, n\u00eb mesin e viteve n\u00ebnt\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, Hjustoni po hynte n\u00eb nj\u00eb epok\u00eb pushteti t\u00eb shk\u00eblqyesh\u00ebm, t\u00eb vet\u00ebk\u00ebnaqur, duke shijuar dominimin e ungjillor\u00ebve jugor\u00eb dhe pla\u00e7k\u00ebn e perandorive nxjerr\u00ebse Teksan-Halliburton, Enron, Exxon, Bush. Pastor\u00ebt e tjer\u00eb rrah\u00ebn fushata p\u00ebr mbledhjen e fondeve gjat\u00eb sh\u00ebrbesave t\u00eb s\u00eb diel\u00ebs, duke punuar p\u00ebr t\u00eb kthyer pasurin\u00eb e konsiderueshme t\u00eb popullsis\u00eb s\u00eb t\u00eb dhjet\u00ebs s\u00eb kish\u00ebs n\u00eb shfaqje t\u00eb reja t\u00eb dukshme. Kur isha n\u00eb shkoll\u00eb t\u00eb mesme, kisha nd\u00ebrtoi nj\u00eb kat t\u00eb pest\u00eb me nj\u00eb tren ku f\u00ebmij\u00ebt mund t\u00eb luanin dhe nj\u00eb hap\u00ebsir\u00eb \u200b\u200bp\u00ebr grupin e t\u00eb rinjve t\u00eb quajtur Hangar, e cila shfaqte hund\u00ebn e nj\u00eb avioni t\u00eb p\u00ebrplasur p\u00ebr gjysm\u00eb n\u00eb nj\u00eb mur.<\/p>\n

Prind\u00ebrit e mi nuk kishin qen\u00eb gjithmon\u00eb ungjillor\u00eb dhe as nuk e kishin favorizuar k\u00ebt\u00eb prirje drejt teprimit. Ata ishin rritur si katolik\u00eb n\u00eb Filipine dhe, pasi u transferuan n\u00eb Toronto, disa vjet para se t\u00eb lindja un\u00eb, kishin ndjekur nj\u00eb kish\u00eb t\u00eb vog\u00ebl baptiste. Kur, n\u00eb vitin 1993, ata u shp\u00ebrngul\u00ebn n\u00eb Hjuston, nj\u00eb hap\u00ebsir\u00eb \u200b\u200be panjohur dhe jasht\u00ebzakonisht e madhe autostrade dhe fushash, fytyra e nj\u00eb pastori ishte kudo, duke u buz\u00ebqeshur udh\u00ebtar\u00ebve nga tabelat q\u00eb mbulonin I-10. Prind\u00ebrit e mi mor\u00ebn stilin e tij t\u00eb sjellsh\u00ebm dhe bind\u00ebs t\u00eb predikimit \u2013 ai ishte m\u00eb klas se televangjelisti juaj mesatar dhe shum\u00eb m\u00eb pak i yndyrsh\u00ebm se Joel Osteen, pastori m\u00eb i njohur i Hjustonit, i cili u b\u00eb i famsh\u00ebm n\u00eb vitin dy mij\u00eb p\u00ebr librat e tij n\u00eb aeroport p\u00ebr ungjillin e prosperitetit. Prind\u00ebrit e mi filluan t\u00eb ndiqnin rregullisht sh\u00ebrbimet n\u00eb Repentagon dhe, menj\u00ebher\u00eb pas k\u00ebsaj, ata i bind\u00ebn administrator\u00ebt e shkoll\u00ebs, q\u00eb t\u00eb m\u00eb vinin n\u00eb klas\u00ebn e par\u00eb, edhe pse isha kat\u00ebr vje\u00e7e.<\/p>\n

Do t\u00eb pendohesha p\u00ebr k\u00ebt\u00eb situat\u00eb, kur isha n\u00eb shkoll\u00eb t\u00eb mesme n\u00eb mosh\u00ebn dymb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vje\u00e7e. Por, si f\u00ebmij\u00eb, isha e etur dhe e leht\u00eb. I drejtova gishtat e k\u00ebmb\u00ebve n\u00eb klas\u00ebn e k\u00ebrcimit dhe b\u00ebra t\u00eb gjitha detyrat e sht\u00ebpis\u00eb. N\u00eb or\u00ebt e p\u00ebrditshme t\u00eb Bibl\u00ebs, b\u00ebja byzylyk\u00eb shp\u00ebtimi n\u00eb kordon\u00eb t\u00eb vegj\u00ebl l\u00ebkure – nj\u00eb rruaz\u00eb e zez\u00eb p\u00ebr m\u00ebkatin tim, nj\u00eb rruaz\u00eb e kuqe p\u00ebr gjakun e Jezusit, nj\u00eb rruaz\u00eb t\u00eb bardh\u00eb p\u00ebr past\u00ebrtin\u00eb, nj\u00eb rruaz\u00eb blu p\u00ebr pag\u00ebzimin, nj\u00eb rruaz\u00eb jeshile p\u00ebr rritjen shpirt\u00ebrore, rruaza floriri p\u00ebr rrug\u00ebt e Qiellit, q\u00eb m\u00eb prisnin. Gjat\u00eb festave, kam aktruar n\u00eb muzikalet rinore t\u00eb kish\u00ebs; nj\u00ebri prej tyre ishte vendosur n\u00eb CNN, “Celestial News Network”, dhe disa prej nesh luanin gazetar\u00ebt, q\u00eb mbulonin lindjen e Jezu Krishtit. Kur isha ende n\u00eb shkoll\u00ebn fillore, familja ime u zhvendos m\u00eb n\u00eb per\u00ebndim, n\u00eb periferi t\u00eb reja, ku sht\u00ebpit\u00eb model u ngrit\u00ebn nga toka bujq\u00ebsore t\u00eb zhveshura. T\u00eb dielave, nd\u00ebrsa udh\u00ebtonim me makin\u00eb p\u00ebr n\u00eb qytet, un\u00eb ulesha e qet\u00eb n\u00eb sediljen e pasme pran\u00eb v\u00ebllait tim t\u00eb vog\u00ebl paq\u00ebsor, gati p\u00ebr t\u00eb z\u00ebn\u00eb vendin tim n\u00eb err\u00ebsir\u00eb \u200b\u200bdhe p\u00ebr t\u00eb menduar p\u00ebr shpirtin tim. \u00c7\u00ebshtjet shpirt\u00ebrore dukeshin t\u00eb thjeshta dhe absolute. Nuk doja t\u00eb isha e keqe, apo e d\u00ebnuar. Doja t\u00eb shp\u00ebtohesha dhe mir\u00eb.<\/p>\n

N\u00eb at\u00eb koh\u00eb, besimi n\u00eb Zot ndihej kryesisht i pakuptimt\u00eb, her\u00eb pas here interesant dhe her\u00eb pas here si nj\u00eb emocion privat. N\u00eb Bib\u00ebl, engj\u00ebjt erdh\u00ebn n\u00eb pragun tuaj. Et\u00ebrit i ofruan f\u00ebmij\u00ebt e tyre p\u00ebr t’u flijuar. Peshqit t\u00eb shumuar; qytetet e djegura. Progresi i filmave horror i murtajave te Eksodi m\u00eb ka mb\u00ebrthyer: gjaku, bretkosat, \u00e7ibanet, karkalecat, err\u00ebsira. M\u00eb m\u00ebsuan se dhuna e krishterimit erdhi me siguri t\u00eb madhe: n\u00ebn nj\u00eb qefin t\u00eb k\u00ebndsh\u00ebm t\u00eb misterit estetik, kishte receta t\u00eb qarta se kush duhet t\u00eb jesh. Lutesha \u00e7do nat\u00eb, duke fal\u00ebnderuar Zotin p\u00ebr jet\u00ebn e mrekullueshme q\u00eb m\u00eb ishte dh\u00ebn\u00eb. N\u00eb fundjav\u00eb, pedaloja me bi\u00e7iklet\u00eb n\u00ebp\u00ebr nj\u00eb zon\u00eb t\u00eb madhe kullotash, n\u00eb drit\u00ebn e pasdites s\u00eb von\u00eb dhe ndihesha e shenjt\u00eb. Un\u00eb rrotullohesha n\u00eb rrath\u00eb, n\u00eb pist\u00ebn e patinazhit dhe e dija q\u00eb dikush po m\u00eb shikonte nga lart.<\/p>\n

Nga fundi i shkoll\u00ebs fillore, p\u00ebrshtypja e t\u00ebr\u00ebsis\u00eb filloi t\u00eb rr\u00ebshqas\u00eb. Nj\u00eb m\u00ebsues na k\u00ebshilloi t\u00eb bojkotonim filmat e Disney-t, sepse Disney World kishte lejuar homoseksual\u00ebt t\u00eb organizonin nj\u00eb parad\u00eb. Nj\u00eb m\u00ebsues tjet\u00ebr konfiskoi vizatimet e mia t\u00eb Archie-t dhe fletoren time t\u00eb shenj\u00ebs s\u00eb paqes, duke e z\u00ebvend\u00ebsuar k\u00ebt\u00eb pajisje pagane me nj\u00eb kopje t\u00eb best-seller-it t\u00eb ri p\u00ebr Ardhjen e Dyt\u00eb, “Left Behind<\/em>” (E l\u00ebn\u00eb pas<\/em>). Tre vajza u godit\u00ebn nga rryma, kur nj\u00eb drit\u00eb shp\u00ebrtheu n\u00eb pishin\u00ebn ku ato po notonin dhe kjo tragjedi u konsiderua vullneti i Zotit. Rreth k\u00ebsaj kohe, ekranet televizive u instaluan n\u00eb t\u00eb gjith\u00eb kampusin, dhe fytyra senatoriale e pastorit ton\u00eb v\u00ebrshonte rreth secilit, duke mos i predikuar askujt n\u00eb ve\u00e7anti. N\u00eb kish\u00eb, ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb na shfaqnin video agjitprop fetare; n\u00eb m\u00eb t\u00eb keqen prej tyre, nj\u00eb burr\u00eb i pash\u00ebm me flok\u00eb t\u00eb zeza i dha lamtumir\u00ebn djalit t\u00eb tij t\u00eb vog\u00ebl n\u00eb nj\u00eb dhom\u00eb t\u00eb bardh\u00eb futuriste dhe m\u00eb pas, nd\u00ebrsa violinat binin n\u00eb sfond, eci n\u00ebp\u00ebr nj\u00eb sall\u00eb t\u00eb pafund p\u00ebr t’u martirizuar p\u00ebr besimin e tij t\u00eb krishter\u00eb. Un\u00eb qava. M\u00eb pas, k\u00ebnduam “I Betohem p\u00ebr besnik\u00ebri Qengjit<\/em>“.<\/p>\n

N\u00eb shkoll\u00ebn e mesme, u b\u00ebra e vet\u00ebdijshme p\u00ebr ambivalenc\u00ebn time. Fillova t\u00eb ndjeja ndjesi faji n\u00eb fund t\u00eb \u00e7do sh\u00ebrbimi n\u00eb kish\u00eb, kur pastori u b\u00ebnte thirrje njer\u00ebzve t\u00eb dilnin p\u00ebrpara dhe ta pranonin Jezusin. Po sikur kjo ndjenj\u00eb pasigurie t\u00eb n\u00ebnkuptonte se m\u00eb duhej t’i premtoja Atij p\u00ebrs\u00ebri dhe p\u00ebrs\u00ebri? M\u00eb kishin m\u00ebsuar se marr\u00ebdh\u00ebnia ime me Per\u00ebndin\u00eb do t\u00eb prishej, n\u00ebse nuk do t\u00eb isha e kujdes\u00ebshme. Nuk isha i paracaktuar, nuk u zgjodha: n\u00ebse doja faljen e Zotit, duhej t\u00eb punoja. Fillova t\u00eb ndihesha agorafobike<\/em>1<\/sup> n\u00eb Qendr\u00ebn e Adhurimit; T\u00eb mendosh p\u00ebr k\u00ebto \u00e7\u00ebshtje intime n\u00eb nj\u00eb vend publik kaq t\u00eb mbushur me njer\u00ebz ndihej e pahijshme. B\u00ebja pushime nga sh\u00ebrbimet, ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb duke u p\u00ebrkulur n\u00eb kolltuk\u00eb n\u00eb korridor, ku n\u00ebnat mbyllnin foshnjat e tyre, ose duke lexuar Librin e Zbules\u00ebs n\u00eb stolat e pambik\u00ebqyrura n\u00eb ballkonin m\u00eb t\u00eb lart\u00eb.<\/p>\n

\"\"Autorja n\u00eb sht\u00ebpi, n\u00eb periferi t\u00eb Hjustonit, n\u00eb 1995.<\/em> Fotografia me mir\u00ebsjellje Jia Tolentino<\/span><\/p>\n

Nj\u00eb t\u00eb diel, u thash\u00eb prind\u00ebrve t\u00eb mi se m\u00eb duhej nj\u00eb triko nga makina. Eca n\u00ebp\u00ebr atriumin me jehon\u00eb me \u00e7el\u00ebsat q\u00eb m\u00eb tundeshin n\u00eb dor\u00eb dhe z\u00ebri i pastorit, q\u00eb kumbonte n\u00ebp\u00ebr hap\u00ebsir\u00ebn boshe. N\u00eb parking dielli m\u00eb dogji syt\u00eb dhe m\u00eb zbuti asfaltin. U futa n\u00eb sediljen e pasagjerit t\u00eb Suburban-it ton\u00eb pluhur-blu dhe vendosa \u00e7el\u00ebsin n\u00eb ndez\u00ebs. Radiostacioni i krishter\u00eb po luante\u201489.3 KSBJ, “Zoti d\u00ebgjon<\/em>“. Godita butonin Seek (k\u00ebrko), duke e d\u00ebrguar numrin te stacionet country<\/em>, alt-rock<\/em>, spanjolle<\/em> dhe m\u00eb pas te di\u00e7ka q\u00eb nuk e kisha d\u00ebgjuar kurr\u00eb m\u00eb par\u00eb. Ishte Box<\/em>, stacioni radiofonik hip-hop i Hjustonit, dhe po luante at\u00eb q\u00eb luante gjithmon\u00eb t\u00eb dielave: “i cop\u00ebtuar dhe i vidhosuar”<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Z<\/span>ona e Madhe e Hjustonit \u00ebsht\u00eb aq e madhe sa Nju Xhersi dhe p\u00ebrmban shtat\u00eb milion\u00eb njer\u00ebz. Autostradat e saj gjurmojn\u00eb rrug\u00ebt e tregut t\u00eb shekullit t\u00eb n\u00ebnt\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, duke formuar form\u00ebn e nj\u00eb rrote vagoni rreth qendr\u00ebs s\u00eb qytetit. Nuk ka ligje p\u00ebr ndarjen e zonave: klubet e zhveshjes q\u00ebndrojn\u00eb pran\u00eb kishave, rrokaqiejt shk\u00eblqejn\u00eb pran\u00eb dyqaneve t\u00eb komoditetit me dh\u00ebmb\u00ebza. Qyteti \u00ebsht\u00eb m\u00eb pak se nj\u00eb or\u00eb nga Bregu i Gjirit, me rafinerit\u00eb e naft\u00ebs t\u00eb qytet\u00ebrimit t\u00eb huaj t\u00eb Port Arthur dhe kalatave fantazma q\u00eb dalin nga uji i pist\u00eb i Galveston. \u00c7do gj\u00eb ka nj\u00eb frym\u00eb t\u00eb rrezatuar: nj\u00eb papast\u00ebrti q\u00eb mund t\u00eb ndihet si falje.<\/p>\n

Sipas disa masave, Hjustoni \u00ebsht\u00eb qyteti m\u00eb i larmish\u00ebm n\u00eb Amerik\u00eb. \u00cbsht\u00eb gjithashtu nj\u00eb vend thell\u00ebsisht i ve\u00e7uar, me nj\u00eb histori t\u00eb gjat\u00eb t\u00eb popullsis\u00eb s\u00eb saj t\u00eb pasur t\u00eb bardh\u00eb q\u00eb shfryt\u00ebzon n\u00eb heshtje pakicat p\u00ebr t\u00eb mb\u00ebshtetur cil\u00ebsin\u00eb e lavd\u00ebruar t\u00eb jet\u00ebs s\u00eb qytetit. P\u00ebr dekada, qeveria e Hjustonit vendosi deponit\u00eb e saj t\u00eb plehrave n\u00eb lagjet e zezak\u00ebve, shum\u00eb prej t\u00eb cilave kufizoheshin n\u00eb qend\u00ebr t\u00eb qytetit. Pik\u00ebrisht n\u00eb disa prej k\u00ebtyre lagjeve, n\u00eb vitet n\u00ebnt\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, n\u00eb bungalot t\u00eb lira pas l\u00ebndinave t\u00eb cop\u00ebtuara dhe gardheve me tela, n\u00eb jug t\u00eb 610 dhe n\u00eb per\u00ebndim t\u00eb 45, lindi skena e repit n\u00eb Houston. Krahas dyshes legjendare t\u00eb Port Arthur UGK, reper\u00eb si Z-Ro, Lil’ Keke, Lil’ Troy, Paul Wall dhe Lil’ Flip sajuan nj\u00eb zhurm\u00eb dhe shk\u00eblqim t\u00eb narkotizuar, q\u00eb mund t\u00eb d\u00ebgjohet ende n\u00eb hip-hop. Ting\u00ebllon si nj\u00eb Escalade q\u00eb vibron n\u00ebn ndikimin, si dikush q\u00eb t\u00ebrhiqet n\u00eb nj\u00eb makin\u00eb me rrotullues dhe t\u00eb rrokullis\u00eb dritaren shum\u00eb ngadal\u00eb. Shfaqet rreth nj\u00ebqind sekonda n\u00eb hitin nr. 1 t\u00eb vitit t\u00eb kaluar “Sicko Mode<\/a>“, nga reperi i ri nga Houston, Travis Scott, kur ai provon Big Hawk, nj\u00eb reper nga South Side, i cili u q\u00ebllua dhe u vra, tremb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vjet m\u00eb par\u00eb, n\u00eb mosh\u00ebn prej tridhjet\u00eb e gjasht\u00eb.<\/p>\n

Big Hawk ishte nj\u00eb an\u00ebtar i Screwed Up Click, i cili drejtohej nga njeriu q\u00eb krijoi “i cop\u00ebtuar dhe i vidhosur<\/em>“: Robert Earl Davis, Jr., i njohur m\u00eb mir\u00eb si DJ Screw. Davis, jeta e t\u00eb cilit u p\u00ebrshkrua nga Michael Hall n\u00eb Teksas Monthly<\/a>, lindi n\u00eb vitin 1971, n\u00eb Bastrop, jasht\u00eb Austin, nga nj\u00eb baba kamionist dhe nj\u00eb n\u00ebn\u00eb, q\u00eb punonte n\u00eb tre pun\u00eb pastrimi dhe fshinte kasetat nga koleksioni i saj i disqeve p\u00ebr para shtes\u00eb. Nj\u00eb kush\u00ebri me t\u00eb cilin Davis m\u00ebsoi se si t\u00eb d.j. i dha emrin e tij artistik pasi e pa duke p\u00ebrdorur nj\u00eb vid\u00eb p\u00ebr t\u00eb g\u00ebrvishtur rekorde, q\u00eb nuk i p\u00eblqenin. Screw u zhvendos n\u00eb Hjuston, e la shkoll\u00ebn e mesme dhe filloi t\u00eb b\u00ebnte dj n\u00eb nj\u00eb shesh patinazhi n\u00eb South Side. N\u00eb vitin 1989, ai goditi butonin e gabuar n\u00eb pllak\u00eb rrotulluese dhe ritmi u ngadal\u00ebsua n\u00eb at\u00eb q\u00eb do t\u00eb b\u00ebhej dridhja e tij e n\u00ebnshkrimit. Nj\u00eb mik i dha atij dhjet\u00eb dollar\u00eb p\u00ebr t\u00eb regjistruar nj\u00eb kaset\u00eb t\u00eb t\u00ebr\u00eb n\u00eb at\u00eb rit\u00ebm. Ai filloi t\u00eb regjistronte reper\u00ebt e Houston-it p\u00ebrmes mixtapes, duke drejtuar seancat e tyre t\u00eb gjata dhe t\u00eb l\u00ebngshme nd\u00ebrsa p\u00ebrzihej dhe m\u00eb pas ngadal\u00ebsoi kaset\u00ebn, duke e b\u00ebr\u00eb at\u00eb t\u00eb kalonte rrahjet dhe t\u00eb belb\u00ebzonte, si nj\u00eb zem\u00ebr q\u00eb do t\u00eb ndalonte. Ai b\u00ebri kopje t\u00eb mixtape-ve t\u00eb tij n\u00eb kaseta gri, t\u00eb cilat i bleu me shumic\u00eb, i etiketonte me dor\u00eb dhe i shiste jasht\u00eb sht\u00ebpis\u00eb s\u00eb tij, klient\u00ebve q\u00eb prisnin n\u00eb makina t\u00eb rreshtuara rreth bllokut. N\u00eb vitin 1998, Screw themeloi Screwed Up Records, pas xhamit antiplumb n\u00eb nj\u00eb dyqan pran\u00eb South Park. Nuk shitej asgj\u00eb p\u00ebrve\u00e7 atyre kasetave.<\/p>\n

N\u00eb at\u00eb koh\u00eb, Screw po b\u00ebhej fizikisht m\u00eb i r\u00ebnd\u00eb dhe m\u00eb i ngadalsh\u00ebm, sikur trupi i tij t\u00eb kishte filluar t\u00eb punonte me tempin e tij t\u00eb mark\u00ebs. Ai ishte b\u00ebr\u00eb i varur nga shurupi i koll\u00ebs me kodein\u00eb, i njohur gjithashtu si i dob\u00ebt. Lean tani \u00ebsht\u00eb i lidhur p\u00ebrgjithmon\u00eb me reper\u00ebt, pjes\u00ebrisht p\u00ebr shkak t\u00eb p\u00ebrb\u00ebr\u00ebsve t\u00eb duksh\u00ebm t\u00eb substanc\u00ebs, si Lil Wayne. Por drogat jan\u00eb demografikisht fleksib\u00ebl. Townes Van Zandt, artisti i country-blues, i cili lindi n\u00eb Fort Worth dhe b\u00ebri em\u00ebr duke luajtur n\u00eb klubet e Houston n\u00eb vitet gjasht\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, i p\u00eblqente aq shum\u00eb shurupi p\u00ebr koll\u00ebn, saq\u00eb e quajti at\u00eb Delta Momma-DM, si n\u00eb Robitussin. Ai k\u00ebndoi nj\u00eb k\u00ebng\u00eb, “Delta Momma Blues<\/a>” t\u00eb vitit 1971, nga pik\u00ebpamja gjeniale e drog\u00ebs: “Epo, djali im delta, kam frik\u00eb se je tep\u00ebr ngusht\u00eb \/ Por merre shtruar dhe disi do t\u00eb vish, duke gjarp\u00ebruar n\u00eb rrug\u00ebn time \/ Dhe un\u00eb do t\u00eb t\u00eb marr n\u00eb krah\u00ebt e mi dhe do e b\u00ebj si duhet.<\/em>”<\/p>\n

I cop\u00ebtuar dhe i vidhosuar imiton ndjenj\u00ebn q\u00eb merrni nga dob\u00ebsia – nj\u00eb siguri marramend\u00ebse dhe shk\u00ebput\u00ebse, sikur po ecni shum\u00eb ngadal\u00eb drejt nj\u00eb p\u00ebrfundimi, q\u00eb nuk keni nevoj\u00eb ta kuptoni. \u00cbsht\u00eb e p\u00ebrkryer p\u00ebr Hjustonin, ku mund t\u00eb kalosh nj\u00eb dit\u00eb t\u00eb plot\u00eb pa dal\u00eb kurr\u00eb nga autostrada, ku shk\u00eblqimi kaustik i dit\u00ebs shkrihet n\u00eb nj\u00eb nat\u00eb t\u00eb gjat\u00eb dhe mo\u00e7alore. Muzika m’u ting\u00ebllua mir\u00eb sapo e d\u00ebgjova, ulur n\u00eb ndenj\u00ebset e vjetra t\u00eb Suburban t\u00eb prind\u00ebrve t\u00eb mi, n\u00eb parkingun e megakish\u00ebs. Un\u00eb isha n\u00eb klas\u00ebn e tet\u00eb, dhe repi jugor tashm\u00eb ishte ngjitur, duke p\u00ebrshkuar edhe Repentagonin. N\u00eb kampin e tifoz\u00ebve, lidh\u00ebm fjongo t\u00eb bardha t\u00eb trasha n\u00eb flok\u00eb p\u00ebrpara se t\u00eb praktikonim marifetin, duke d\u00ebgjuar OutKast dhe Nelly; n\u00eb klas\u00ebn e n\u00ebnt\u00eb luajt\u00ebm Ludacris dhe n\u00eb klas\u00ebn e dhjet\u00eb T.I. Nj\u00eb ver\u00eb, t\u00eb gjith\u00eb filluan t\u00eb k\u00ebrcejn\u00eb: ne ram\u00eb n\u00eb dysheme dhe i shtynim n\u00eb m\u00ebnyr\u00eb t\u00eb ngath\u00ebt ijet tona, duke imituar l\u00ebvizjet q\u00eb po p\u00ebrhapeshin si virus, duke duartrokitur p\u00ebr vajzat q\u00eb mund ta b\u00ebnin m\u00eb mir\u00eb. N\u00eb shkoll\u00ebn e mesme, ne kalonim disa nga mbr\u00ebmjet tona n\u00eb grupin e t\u00eb rinjve, ku k\u00ebndonim p\u00ebr Jezusin, dhe t\u00eb tjer\u00ebt duke shkuar n\u00eb mbr\u00ebmjen e adoleshenc\u00ebs n\u00eb nj\u00eb klub n\u00eb Hjuston, duke ecur n\u00eb turr\u00ebn e dyqaneve t\u00eb pijeve alkoolike dhe klubeve striptizi nj\u00eb milje m\u00eb lart n\u00eb Westheimer, duke hyr\u00eb n\u00eb nj\u00eb dhom\u00eb e err\u00ebt, ku vajzat mbanin minifunde dhe t\u00eb gjith\u00eb k\u00ebrkonin amnisti n\u00eb nj\u00eb m\u00ebnyr\u00eb tjet\u00ebr. (Kishte munges\u00eb zonash edhe n\u00eb jet\u00ebn ton\u00eb kulturore.) Ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb nj\u00eb makineri shkume n\u00eb tavan ndizej dhe njomte sutjenat tona t\u00eb lira pushup2<\/sup> dhe ne ngjiteshim me t\u00eb huajt, nd\u00ebrsa t\u00eb gjith\u00eb p\u00ebrtypnin kafshata t\u00eb m\u00ebdha repi jugor.<\/p>\n

Na kishin m\u00ebsuar se edhe puthja franceze ishte e rrezikshme, se \u00e7do gj\u00eb q\u00eb nuk sh\u00ebnohej si e bardh\u00eb dhe e krishter\u00eb ishte e err\u00ebt dhe perverse. M\u00eb n\u00eb fund, ishte kisha ajo q\u00eb m\u00eb dukej e korruptuar. Ajo q\u00eb ishte e ndaluar filloi t\u00eb ndihej e sinqert\u00eb dhe e past\u00ebr. Shkova n\u00eb kolegj dhe fillova t\u00eb shqyrtoja ide t\u00eb ndryshme t\u00eb virtytit. Ishte vap\u00eb hera e par\u00eb q\u00eb provova shije t\u00eb dob\u00ebt, n\u00eb nj\u00eb nat\u00eb kur t\u00eb gjith\u00eb ishin n\u00eb sht\u00ebpi nga shkolla. E piva me akull, pije alkoolike dhe Sprite, nga nj\u00eb filxhan i madh stiropor. Menj\u00ebher\u00eb pas k\u00ebsaj, isha n\u00eb pishin\u00ebn e mikut tim, duke ecur n\u00ebp\u00ebr uj\u00eb t\u00eb lart\u00eb. K\u00ebnga “Overnight Celebrity<\/a>” po luhej dhe dukej sikur nuk do t\u00eb p\u00ebrfundonte kurr\u00eb – sikur t\u00eb ishte ngadal\u00ebsuar n\u00eb ritmin e “i cop\u00ebtuar dhe i vidhosuar”<\/em> t\u00eb s\u00eb diel\u00ebs, aq i trash\u00eb sa t\u00eb m\u00eb mbante. Uji m’u duk sikur mund ta mbaja. Qielli ishte i madh dhe prej kadifeje. Ngrita syt\u00eb dhe pash\u00eb yjet t\u00eb mbuluar nga shk\u00eblqimi i ndotjes dhe u ndjeva po aq e bekuar sa isha kurr\u00eb kur isha f\u00ebmij\u00eb.<\/p>\n

U<\/span>n\u00eb jam larguar nga feja institucionale p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime tani, pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vjet duke \u00e7montuar at\u00eb q\u00eb nd\u00ebrtuan pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00ebt. Por gjithmon\u00eb kam qen\u00eb e lumtur, q\u00eb jam rritur ashtu si\u00e7 jam rritur. Repentagoni m\u00eb trajnoi t\u00eb ndihesha e qet\u00eb n\u00eb mjedise t\u00eb \u00e7uditshme, t\u00eb izoluara, ekstreme dhe krishterimi formoi instinktet e mia m\u00eb t\u00eb thella. M\u00eb dha nj\u00eb bot\u00ebkuptim majtist \u2013 nj\u00eb d\u00ebshir\u00eb p\u00ebr t\u00eb ndjekur lider\u00ebt q\u00eb e ndjejn\u00eb veten t\u00eb pandar\u00eb nga t\u00eb uriturit, t\u00eb burgosurit dhe t\u00eb s\u00ebmur\u00ebt. Vitet e kontrollit t\u00eb sjelljes sime n\u00eb lutje m\u00eb dhan\u00eb nj\u00eb obsesion me moralin e p\u00ebrditsh\u00ebm. Dhe teologjia e krishter\u00eb m\u00eb bindi se kisha lindur n\u00eb nj\u00eb situat\u00eb t\u00eb kompromentuar. M\u00eb b\u00ebri t\u00eb d\u00ebshiroj t\u00eb hetoj vet\u00eb idet\u00eb e mia se \u00e7far\u00eb do t\u00eb thot\u00eb t\u00eb jesh i mir\u00eb.<\/p>\n

Kjo trash\u00ebgimi shpirt\u00ebrore nxiti dezertimin tim: nga fundi i adoleshenc\u00ebs sime, e kisha humbur interesin n\u00eb p\u00ebrpjekjen p\u00ebr t\u00eb pajtuar ungjillizmin e tendenc\u00ebs s\u00eb madhe jugore me bindjet e mia politike n\u00eb rritje. Shum\u00eb nga t\u00eb krishter\u00ebt e bardh\u00eb t\u00eb pasur q\u00eb njoha, besuan \u2013 megjith\u00ebse me mir\u00ebsjellje<\/em>, dhe me dhurime bujare t\u00eb fundvitit p\u00ebr sh\u00ebrbime t\u00eb ndryshme \u2013 se pasuria ishte nj\u00eb lloj vajosjeje hyjnore dhe se ata vlejn\u00eb m\u00eb shum\u00eb p\u00ebr Per\u00ebndin\u00eb dhe vendin se kushdo tjet\u00ebr. Njer\u00ebzit n\u00eb shkoll\u00ebn time shpesh p\u00ebshp\u00ebritnin fjal\u00ebt “Meksikan” dhe “i zi”, duke supozuar instinktivisht se ato p\u00ebrshkrime ishin sharje. Ungjijt\u00eb predikojn\u00eb rishp\u00ebrndarjen ekonomike \u2013 \u201cAi q\u00eb ka dy tunika le t\u00eb ndaj\u00eb me at\u00eb q\u00eb nuk ka<\/em>\u201d, e k\u00ebshtu me radh\u00eb \u2013 por t\u00eb gjith\u00eb rreth meje dukej se besonin kryesisht n\u00eb taksat e ul\u00ebta dhe drejt\u00ebsin\u00eb e luft\u00ebs. George W. Bush ishte i adhuruesh\u00ebm dhe Akti Patriot e b\u00ebri at\u00eb hero; pa diskutim q\u00eb kishte arm\u00eb t\u00eb shkat\u00ebrrimit n\u00eb mas\u00eb n\u00eb Irak. Demonstrimet publike t\u00eb besimit shpesh dyfishoheshin si shfaqje ep\u00ebrsie. Ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb, n\u00eb kish\u00ebz, nj\u00eb trup\u00eb e gjimnast\u00ebve t\u00eb krishter\u00eb grisnin librat e telefonit si nj\u00eb demonstrim i forc\u00ebs, q\u00eb mund t\u00eb fitonim n\u00ebp\u00ebrmjet Jezusit. N\u00eb Halloween, kisha vendosi nj\u00eb “Sht\u00ebpi Gjykimi<\/em>“, nj\u00eb loj\u00eb me sht\u00ebpi t\u00eb p\u00ebrhumbura, n\u00eb t\u00eb cil\u00ebn personazhi kryesor, nj\u00eb student i shkoll\u00ebs s\u00eb mesme, piu birr\u00eb n\u00eb nj\u00eb fest\u00eb, iu n\u00ebnshtrua tundimeve t\u00eb m\u00ebtejshme dhe u p\u00ebrfundua n\u00eb Ferr.<\/p>\n

Nuk ishte e v\u00ebshtir\u00eb t\u00eb shk\u00ebpusja lidhjet e mia me k\u00ebto teatrale. Por, p\u00ebr vite me radh\u00eb, mbajta nj\u00eb uri t\u00eb fort\u00eb p\u00ebr p\u00ebrkushtim. S\u00eb pari, e ktheva v\u00ebmendjen nga brenda. Un\u00eb mbaja nj\u00eb ditar p\u00ebrkushtimi, duke prodhuar nj\u00eb regjistrim t\u00eb d\u00ebshir\u00ebs shpirt\u00ebrore t\u00eb mpreht\u00eb dhe t\u00eb ashp\u00ebr. Jam lutur p\u00ebr gj\u00ebra q\u00eb i shoh ende t\u00eb njohura. “M\u00eb ndihmo t\u00eb mos b\u00ebj nj\u00eb akt t\u00eb asnj\u00eb lloji<\/em>,” shkrova. I thash\u00eb Zotit se doja t\u00eb jetoja n\u00eb p\u00ebrputhje me bindjet e mia, se doja t\u00eb pak\u00ebsoja ndjenj\u00ebn time t\u00eb r\u00ebnd\u00ebsis\u00eb p\u00ebr veten, se m\u00eb vinte keq q\u00eb nuk isha m\u00eb mir\u00eb dhe se isha mir\u00ebnjoh\u00ebse q\u00eb isha gjall\u00eb. \u201c\u00cbsht\u00eb e v\u00ebshtir\u00eb t\u00eb vendos\u00ebsh kufirin midis k\u00ebnaq\u00ebsis\u00eb n\u00eb q\u00ebllimin e Per\u00ebndis\u00eb dhe p\u00ebrafrimin e q\u00ebllimit t\u00eb Per\u00ebndis\u00eb me at\u00eb q\u00eb k\u00ebnaqem<\/em>\u201d, shkrova, midis hyrjeve n\u00eb t\u00eb cilat pyesja veten, n\u00ebse ishte n\u00eb thelb e gabuar t\u00eb deheshe. Kisha q\u00ebndronte n\u00eb nj\u00ebr\u00ebn an\u00eb t\u00eb jet\u00ebs sime dhe ajo q\u00eb doja – nj\u00eb kod moral i p\u00ebrcaktuar nga instinktet e mia dhe nj\u00eb kuptim i d\u00ebshir\u00ebs s\u00eb pazbutur – q\u00ebndronte n\u00eb an\u00ebn tjet\u00ebr. Isha n\u00eb mes, duke u p\u00ebrpjekur t\u00eb zgjidhja nj\u00eb tension q\u00eb, n\u00eb nj\u00eb moment, nuk mund ta ndjeja m\u00eb. P\u00ebrfundimisht, pothuajse pa e kuptuar, lash\u00eb nj\u00ebr\u00ebn an\u00eb.<\/p>\n

Gjat\u00eb gjith\u00eb k\u00ebtyre viteve, kam lexuar shum\u00eb C. S. Lewis, shkrimtar\u00ebt m\u00eb t\u00eb \u00e7uditsh\u00ebm dhe megjithat\u00eb m\u00eb t\u00eb arsyesh\u00ebm t\u00eb krishter\u00eb t\u00eb shekullit t\u00eb nj\u00ebzet\u00eb. I kthehesha m\u00eb shpesh “The Screwtape Letters<\/a>“, nj\u00eb koleksion korrespondence imagjinare d\u00ebrguar nga nj\u00eb demon burokratik i quajtur Screwtape<\/em> nipit t\u00eb tij Wormwood<\/em>, nj\u00eb “tundues i vog\u00ebl” q\u00eb p\u00ebrpiqet t\u00eb \u00e7oj\u00eb n\u00eb rrug\u00eb t\u00eb gabuar subjektin e tij t\u00eb par\u00eb njer\u00ebzor. Titulli i librit kishte jehon\u00eb t\u00eb \u00e7uditshme, t\u00eb rast\u00ebsishme q\u00eb l\u00eb t\u00eb kuptohet p\u00ebr marr\u00ebdh\u00ebnien time me subjektin e tij qendror \u2013 tundimet e zakonshme, q\u00eb mund ta \u00e7onin nj\u00eb person n\u00eb Ferr. “Rruga m\u00eb e sigurt p\u00ebr n\u00eb Ferr \u00ebsht\u00eb ajo graduale<\/em>,” kujton Screwtape, “pjerr\u00ebsia e but\u00eb, e but\u00eb n\u00ebn k\u00ebmb\u00eb, pa kthesa t\u00eb papritura, pa piket\u00eb, pa tabela<\/em>“. Kur e pata p\u00ebr her\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00eb at\u00eb fjali, u ndjeva sikur dikush po m\u00eb lexonte n\u00eb p\u00ebll\u00ebmb\u00eb.<\/p>\n

Rruga ime n\u00eb at\u00eb rrug\u00eb ka qen\u00eb, n\u00eb fakt, e but\u00eb, megjith\u00ebse kishte tabela udh\u00ebzuese, n\u00ebse do t\u00eb doja t’i shihja. Mund t\u00eb them, p\u00ebr shembull, pa shum\u00eb thjeshtim t\u00eb tepruar, se viti q\u00eb pushova s\u00eb besuari n\u00eb Zot\u20142006<\/strong>\u2014ishte gjithashtu viti kur b\u00ebra p\u00ebr her\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00eb Ekstazi, n\u00eb apartamentin e kolegjit t\u00eb nj\u00eb miku. Ne g\u00eblltit\u00ebm pilula q\u00eb ishin futur n\u00eb Kleenex, dhe m\u00eb pas rr\u00ebshqit\u00ebm n\u00eb nj\u00eb kuti t\u00eb zez\u00eb t\u00eb djersitur t\u00eb nj\u00eb vendi muzikor posht\u00eb rrug\u00ebs dhe u ndjeva pa pesh\u00eb, sikur t\u00eb isha kthyer n\u00eb nj\u00eb t\u00eb v\u00ebrtet\u00eb, q\u00eb m\u00eb kishin m\u00ebsuar fillimisht n\u00eb kish\u00eb: se \u00e7do gj\u00eb mund t\u00eb ndodhte, dhe nj\u00eb lloj hiri q\u00eb ishte brenda dhe jasht\u00eb jush do t’ju t\u00ebrhiqte.<\/p>\n

Ashtu si shum\u00eb njer\u00ebz para meje, m\u00eb dukej se feja dhe droga ishin t\u00ebrheq\u00ebse p\u00ebr arsye t\u00eb ngjashme. (\u201cTi k\u00ebrkon falje, braktisje t\u00eb plot\u00eb<\/em>\u201d, shkrova, duke iu lutur Zotit n\u00eb vitin e par\u00eb t\u00eb shkoll\u00ebs s\u00eb mesme.) T\u00eb dyja ofrojn\u00eb nj\u00eb rrug\u00eb drejt transhendenc\u00ebs, nj\u00eb m\u00ebnyr\u00eb p\u00ebr t\u00eb hyr\u00eb n\u00eb nj\u00eb bot\u00eb jasht\u00ebnjer\u00ebzore rr\u00ebmbimi dhe faljeje. Fjala “ekstazi” e sugjeron k\u00ebt\u00eb etimologjikisht, duke ardhur nga greqishtja ekstasis<\/em> – ek<\/em>, q\u00eb do t\u00eb thot\u00eb “jasht\u00eb” dhe stasis<\/em>, q\u00eb do t\u00eb thot\u00eb di\u00e7ka si “q\u00ebndrim<\/em>“. T\u00eb jesh n\u00eb ekstaz\u00eb \u00ebsht\u00eb t\u00eb q\u00ebndrosh jasht\u00eb vetes. Demoni i “Screwtape”(shiritit t\u00eb vidhosur)<\/em>\u00a0i thot\u00eb nipit t\u00eb tij: “Asgj\u00eb nuk ka r\u00ebnd\u00ebsi, p\u00ebrve\u00e7 tendenc\u00ebs s\u00eb nj\u00eb gjendjeje t\u00eb caktuar shpirt\u00ebrore, n\u00eb rrethana t\u00eb caktuara, p\u00ebr t\u00eb l\u00ebvizur nj\u00eb pacient t\u00eb caktuar n\u00eb nj\u00eb moment t\u00eb caktuar m\u00eb af\u00ebr Armikut ose m\u00eb af\u00ebr nesh<\/em>“. Jam pushtuar nga ekstazia n\u00eb mjediset fetare, gjat\u00eb periudhave t\u00eb tepruara hedoniste, pasditeve t\u00eb s\u00eb premtes duke ecur es\u00ebll n\u00eb park nd\u00ebrsa dielli e b\u00ebn gjith\u00e7ka t\u00eb tejdukshme. Kisha nuk u ndje kurr\u00eb m\u00eb shum\u00eb si virtyt se sa droga, dhe droga nuk u ndje kurr\u00eb m\u00eb shum\u00eb m\u00ebkatare se kisha.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gruaja e par\u00eb q\u00eb dihet se ka botuar nj\u00eb lib\u00ebr n\u00eb anglisht ishte nj\u00eb ekstaz\u00eb fetare: Juliani nga Norwich<\/em>, emri i t\u00eb cilit ndoshta vjen nga Kisha e Sh\u00ebn Julianit n\u00eb Norwich, Angli, ku, n\u00eb shekullin e kat\u00ebrmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, ajo jetonte n\u00eb izolim p\u00ebrkushtim. N\u00eb mosh\u00ebn tridhjet\u00eb vje\u00e7are, Julian p\u00ebrjetoi gjasht\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vizione t\u00eb zgjeruara dhe vuajt\u00ebse t\u00eb Per\u00ebndis\u00eb, t\u00eb cilat i mblodhi n\u00eb nj\u00eb lib\u00ebr t\u00eb quajtur “Revelations of Divine Love<\/a>” (Zbulesa t\u00eb dashuris\u00eb hyjnore<\/em>). Ajo p\u00ebrshkruan ndjenj\u00ebn “nj\u00eb k\u00ebnaq\u00ebsi supreme shpirt\u00ebrore n\u00eb shpirtin tim<\/em>” dhe t\u00eb qenit “e mbushur me siguri t\u00eb p\u00ebrjetshme<\/em>“, nj\u00eb ndjenj\u00eb “aq e g\u00ebzueshme p\u00ebr mua dhe aq plot mir\u00ebsi sa u ndjeva plot\u00ebsisht e qet\u00eb, e leht\u00eb dhe e qet\u00eb, sikur t\u00eb mos kishte asgj\u00eb n\u00eb tok\u00eb, q\u00eb mund t\u00eb m\u00eb l\u00ebndonte<\/em>\u201d. Por, shkruan ajo, \u201ckjo zgjati vet\u00ebm p\u00ebr nj\u00eb koh\u00eb, dhe m\u00eb pas ndjenja ime u p\u00ebrmbys dhe mbeta e shtypur, e lodhur nga vetja dhe aq e neveritur me jet\u00ebn time, saq\u00eb mezi duroja t\u00eb jetoja<\/em>\u201d.<\/p>\n

Kjo lloj p\u00ebrvoje delirante \u00ebsht\u00eb n\u00eb dukje nj\u00eb konstante njer\u00ebzore, e rr\u00ebfyer me fraza pak a shum\u00eb identike n\u00eb shum\u00eb epoka t\u00eb ndryshme dhe q\u00eb i atribuohet shum\u00eb burimeve t\u00eb ndryshme. N\u00eb vitin 1969, biologu britanik Alister Hardy filloi t\u00eb p\u00ebrpilonte nj\u00eb baz\u00eb t\u00eb dh\u00ebnash me mij\u00ebra tregime q\u00eb ting\u00ebllojn\u00eb pothuajse tamam si ato t\u00eb Julianit. Nj\u00eb burr\u00eb shkruan: \u201cIsha duke ecur nj\u00eb nat\u00eb n\u00eb rrug\u00ebt e frekuentuara t\u00eb Glasgout, kur, me madh\u00ebshti t\u00eb ngadalt\u00eb, n\u00eb nj\u00eb cep ku k\u00ebmb\u00ebsor\u00ebt po kalonin me nxitim dhe trafiku i qytetit ishte i turbullt gjat\u00eb rrug\u00ebs, ajri u mbush me muzik\u00eb qiellore; dhe nj\u00eb drit\u00eb gjith\u00ebp\u00ebrfshir\u00ebse, q\u00eb l\u00ebvizte n\u00eb val\u00eb me ngjyra t\u00eb ndritshme, shk\u00eblqente shk\u00eblqimin e rrug\u00ebve t\u00eb ndri\u00e7uara. Un\u00eb q\u00ebndrova i qet\u00eb, i mbushur me nj\u00eb paqe dhe g\u00ebzim t\u00eb \u00e7uditsh\u00ebm<\/em>.\u201d Teknikisht, arkivi i Hardy-t \u00ebsht\u00eb nj\u00eb p\u00ebrmbledhje e p\u00ebrvojave fetare, por rr\u00ebfimet brenda tij ngjajn\u00eb me transkriptet nga seancat e mbikqyrura t\u00eb drog\u00ebs q\u00eb u kryen n\u00eb mesin e viteve shtat\u00ebdhjet\u00eb deri n\u00eb mesin e viteve tet\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, gjat\u00eb periudh\u00ebs s\u00eb shkurt\u00ebr kur Ekstazia mund t\u00eb p\u00ebrdorej n\u00eb mjedise terapeutike. (Koh\u00ebt e fundit, kan\u00eb filluar provat klinike me Ekstazi.)<\/p>\n

Substanca q\u00eb m\u00eb von\u00eb do t\u00eb quhej Ekstazi, u zhvillua p\u00ebr her\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00eb n\u00eb vitin 1912, n\u00eb Gjermani, nga Merck, e cila po p\u00ebrpiqej t\u00eb gjente nj\u00eb trajtim p\u00ebr gjakderdhjen jonormale. P\u00ebr dekada, ajo ishte e njohur me emrin e saj teknik, 3,4-metilendioksimetamfetamine<\/em>, ose MDMA. N\u00eb vitet shtat\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, nj\u00eb num\u00ebr shkenc\u00ebtar\u00ebsh e provuan vet\u00eb dhe nj\u00eb rrjet psikoterapist\u00ebsh t\u00eb n\u00ebndhesh\u00ebm, MDMA filloi t\u00eb rritet. N\u00eb vitet tet\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, ila\u00e7i u etiketua si empatogjen, ose nj\u00eb entaktogjen, sepse mund t\u00eb gjeneroj\u00eb nj\u00eb gjendje ndjeshm\u00ebrie, duke bllokuar rimarrjen e serotonin\u00ebs dhe duke nxitur lirimin e serotonin\u00ebs dhe dopamin\u00ebs. Gjat\u00eb k\u00ebsaj periudhe, Ekstazia u quajt ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb Adam, nga terapist\u00ebt, p\u00ebr shkak t\u00eb gjendjes s\u00eb pafaj\u00ebsis\u00eb Edenike, q\u00eb dukej se shkaktonte te pacient\u00ebt e tyre. “Seancat e Adamit<\/em>” u mblodh\u00ebn n\u00eb nj\u00eb lib\u00ebr t\u00eb vitit 1985 t\u00eb quajtur \u201cThrough the Gateway of the Heart<\/a>.\u201d (P\u00ebrmes port\u00ebs s\u00eb zemr\u00ebs<\/em>). Nj\u00eb subjekt, nj\u00eb i mbijetuar i p\u00ebrdhunimit, shkruan: “U ndjeva i shtrir\u00eb, i rraskapitur fizikisht, por plot dashuri dhe nj\u00eb ndjenj\u00eb e thell\u00eb paqeje<\/em>.” Nj\u00eb tjet\u00ebr shkruan: “Un\u00eb kam nd\u00ebrmend t\u00eb b\u00ebhem nj\u00eb tempull i p\u00ebrsosur p\u00ebr k\u00ebt\u00eb vet\u00ebdije p\u00ebr Per\u00ebndin\u00eb<\/em>.” Nj\u00eb subjekt i tret\u00eb e identifikon drog\u00ebn si nj\u00eb rrug\u00eb fetare p\u00ebr t\u00eb “lejuar, ftuar, dor\u00ebzuar Zotin n\u00eb trupin tim<\/em>“.<\/p>\n

Arritja e ekstaz\u00ebs kimike, empatogjeneza, ndodh n\u00eb faza. Droga fillimisht heq frenimet e p\u00ebrdoruesit, m\u00eb pas e shtyn p\u00ebrdoruesin t\u00eb njoh\u00eb dhe vler\u00ebsoj\u00eb gjendjet emocionale t\u00eb t\u00eb tjer\u00ebve dhe, s\u00eb fundi, e b\u00ebn mir\u00ebqenien e p\u00ebrdoruesit t\u00eb ndihet e pandashme nga ajo e grupit. Ndryshe nga drogat e tjera q\u00eb provokojn\u00eb eufori t\u00eb jasht\u00ebzakonshme nd\u00ebrpersonale, t\u00eb tilla si k\u00ebrpudhat ose acidi, Ecstasy nuk e ngat\u00ebrron p\u00ebrdoruesin p\u00ebr at\u00eb q\u00eb po ndodh. Vet\u00ebdija juaj p\u00ebr veten dhe p\u00ebr realitetin baz\u00eb mbetet e pandryshuar. P\u00ebr k\u00ebt\u00eb arsye, Ekstazia mund t\u00eb siguroj\u00eb nj\u00eb ndjenj\u00eb shp\u00ebtimi, q\u00eb mund t\u00eb ket\u00eb m\u00eb shum\u00eb gjasa t\u00eb ngjitet sesa, t\u00eb themi, nj\u00eb epifani halucinogjene e dh\u00ebn\u00eb nga nj\u00eb fytyr\u00eb n\u00eb re.<\/p>\n

N\u00eb vitin 1985, Administrata e Zbatimit t\u00eb Drog\u00ebs e ndaloi Ekstazin\u00eb p\u00ebr nj\u00eb vit, si mas\u00eb emergjente, mes rritjes s\u00eb p\u00ebrdorimit rekreativ. Pak para p\u00ebrfundimit t\u00eb ndalimit, nj\u00eb gjykat\u00ebs DEA rekomandoi q\u00eb MDMA t\u00eb vendoset n\u00eb kategorin\u00eb e Katalogut III, p\u00ebr barnat, si ketamina dhe steroidet, q\u00eb kan\u00eb nj\u00eb p\u00ebrdorim mjek\u00ebsor t\u00eb pranuar dhe nj\u00eb potencial mesatar deri n\u00eb t\u00eb ul\u00ebt p\u00ebr abuzim dhe var\u00ebsi. N\u00eb vend t\u00eb k\u00ebsaj, MDMA u vendos n\u00eb Shtojc\u00ebn I, kategoria p\u00ebr barnat me potencial t\u00eb lart\u00eb abuziv, pa p\u00ebrdorim mjek\u00ebsor t\u00eb pranuar dhe shqet\u00ebsime t\u00eb r\u00ebnda sigurie. Pik\u00ebrisht n\u00eb k\u00ebt\u00eb koh\u00eb nj\u00eb tregtar droge e quajti substanc\u00ebn Ekstazi. Megjith\u00eb ndalimin, droga u b\u00eb globale n\u00eb vitet n\u00ebnt\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, n\u00eb val\u00eb. N\u00eb fund t\u00eb shekullit, DEA vler\u00ebsoi se dy milion\u00eb goditje ekstazi silleshin n\u00eb Shtetet e Bashkuara \u00e7do jav\u00eb. Disponueshm\u00ebria e tij u zhvillua n\u00eb cikle. N\u00eb vitin 2011, kur u ktheva n\u00eb Shtetet e Bashkuara pas nj\u00eb viti n\u00eb Korpusin e Paqes, Ecstasy ishte riem\u00ebrtuar si Molly dhe ishte p\u00ebrs\u00ebri nj\u00eb ila\u00e7 i zakonsh\u00ebm, i krijuar p\u00ebr dekad\u00ebn e festivaleve muzikore t\u00eb korporatave – si nj\u00eb opsion p\u00ebr raste t\u00eb ve\u00e7anta dhe jo ndonj\u00eb pun\u00eb e madhe.<\/p>\n

Magjia e ekstaz\u00ebs \u00ebsht\u00eb m\u00eb e forta n\u00eb fillim; ai shp\u00ebrndahet p\u00ebrmes p\u00ebrs\u00ebritjes. Un\u00eb jam b\u00ebr\u00eb e kujdes\u00ebshme n\u00eb p\u00ebrdorimin e tij – kam frik\u00eb se lart\u00ebsia do t\u00eb zbeh\u00eb animin tim drejt lumturis\u00eb s\u00eb paprovokuar, e cila tashm\u00eb mund t\u00eb jet\u00eb duke u zhdukur. Kam frik\u00eb se ult\u00ebsia q\u00eb vjen ndonj\u00ebher\u00eb pas do t\u00eb l\u00ebr\u00eb nj\u00eb gjurm\u00eb t\u00eb p\u00ebrhershme. Por, megjithat\u00eb, \u00e7do her\u00eb mund t\u00eb ndihet si hyjni. Bota juaj riorganizohet n\u00eb nj\u00eb vezullim trondit\u00ebs oqeanik. Ju e kuptoni se mund t’i jepni m\u00eb t\u00eb mir\u00ebn nga vetja kujtdo q\u00eb doni pa u ndjer\u00eb i varf\u00ebruar. Kjo \u00ebsht\u00eb ajo q\u00eb ndjen t\u00eb jesh nj\u00eb f\u00ebmij\u00eb i Jezusit, n\u00eb nj\u00eb kish\u00ebz t\u00eb err\u00ebt, me diamante me xham t\u00eb njomur q\u00eb notojn\u00eb mbi l\u00ebkur\u00ebn e t\u00eb gjith\u00eb njer\u00ebzve t\u00eb gjunj\u00ebzuar rreth teje. Kjo \u00ebsht\u00eb ajo q\u00eb ndjen t\u00eb jesh nj\u00ebzet e dy vje\u00e7, gati i zhveshur, flok\u00ebt t\u00eb fryjn\u00eb nga era nd\u00ebrsa muzgu roz\u00eb zgjerohet n\u00eb q\u00ebndrueshm\u00ebri, trupi yt ende mban ngroht\u00ebsin\u00eb e dit\u00ebs. Je krijuar p\u00ebr t\u00eb qen\u00eb k\u00ebtu. Natyra e nj\u00eb zbulese \u00ebsht\u00eb se ju nuk keni nevoj\u00eb ta rip\u00ebrjetoni at\u00eb. N\u00eb vitet shtat\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, studiuesit besonin se trajtimi MDMA mund t\u00eb ishte diskret dhe i kufizuar – q\u00eb pasi t\u00eb merrni mesazhin, si\u00e7 shpreheshin ata, mund ta mbyllni telefonin. Do t\u00eb ishte m\u00eb mir\u00eb t\u00eb kishe d\u00ebgjuar. Do t\u00eb ndryshoheshe.<\/p>\n

Ata nuk e thon\u00eb k\u00ebt\u00eb p\u00ebr fen\u00eb, por duhet ta thon\u00eb.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

“P<\/span>o sikur t\u00eb filloja nj\u00eb ese mbi \u00e7\u00ebshtjet shpirt\u00ebrore duke p\u00ebrmendur nj\u00eb poezi, q\u00eb n\u00eb fillim nuk do t’ju dukej aspak shpirt\u00ebrore?<\/em>” Anne Carson shkruan n\u00eb esen\u00eb e titullit t\u00eb librit t\u00eb saj “Decreation<\/a>” (Moskrijimi<\/em>). Poema \u00ebsht\u00eb nga Safo (Sappho), gruaja greke q\u00eb supozohet se u hodh mbi nj\u00eb shk\u00ebmb n\u00eb shekullin e gjasht\u00eb p.e.s. p\u00ebr shkak t\u00eb dashuris\u00eb s\u00eb tep\u00ebrt p\u00ebr Faonin, marinarin – megjith\u00ebse, p\u00ebr arsye safike, kjo nuk ka gjasa. Carson e lidh Sapphon me Marguerite Porete, nj\u00eb mistik i krishter\u00eb, q\u00eb u dogj n\u00eb dru n\u00eb vitin 1310, dhe m\u00eb pas me Simone Weil, intelektualen franceze, e cila, nd\u00ebrsa jetonte n\u00eb Angli gjat\u00eb Luft\u00ebs s\u00eb Dyt\u00eb Bot\u00ebrore, b\u00ebri grev\u00eb urie n\u00eb shenj\u00eb solidariteti me bashkatdhetar\u00ebt e saj n\u00eb Franc\u00ebn e pushtuar nga gjerman\u00ebt dhe vdiq n\u00eb vitin 1943. \u00c7\u00ebshtja shpirt\u00ebrore, q\u00eb Carson k\u00ebrkon t\u00eb trajtoj\u00eb \u00ebsht\u00eb misticizmi, besimi se, duke arritur nj\u00eb gjendje t\u00eb vet\u00ebdijes ekstatike, nj\u00eb person mund t\u00eb arrij\u00eb bashkimin me hyjnoren.<\/p>\n

Carson citon Fragmentin 31 t\u00eb Sapphos, n\u00eb t\u00eb cilin poeti shikon nj\u00eb grua q\u00eb \u00ebsht\u00eb ulur pran\u00eb nj\u00eb burri, duke qeshur me t\u00eb. Sappho p\u00ebrshkruan ndjenjat e saj teksa shikon gruan. N\u00eb p\u00ebrkthimin e Carson:<\/p>\n

. . . i holl\u00eb
\nzjarri po v\u00ebrshon n\u00ebn l\u00ebkur\u00eb
\ndhe n\u00eb sy nuk ka shikim dhe daullja
\nmbush vesh\u00ebt<\/em><\/p>\n

dhe djersa e ftoht\u00eb m\u00eb mban dhe dridhet<\/em>
\nm\u00eb kap t\u00eb gjith\u00eb, m\u00eb jeshil se bari<\/em>
\nUn\u00eb jam dhe e vdekur – ose pothuajse<\/em>
\nm\u00eb duket mua.<\/em><\/p>\n

Fragmenti 31 \u00ebsht\u00eb nj\u00eb nga pjes\u00ebt m\u00eb t\u00eb gjata t\u00eb vepr\u00ebs s\u00eb Safos (Sappho), e ruajtur p\u00ebr shkak se ishte ekstraktuar n\u00eb “On the Sublime<\/em>” (N\u00eb sublimen<\/em>), nj\u00eb vep\u00ebr kritike letrare e shekullit t\u00eb par\u00eb. N\u00eb shekullin e shtat\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb, John Hall p\u00ebrktheu Fragmentin 31 p\u00ebr her\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00eb n\u00eb anglisht; n\u00eb versionin e Hall-it, vija “m\u00eb e gjelb\u00ebr se bari” \u00ebsht\u00eb “si nj\u00eb lule e thar\u00eb q\u00eb zbehet”. Fjala greke n\u00eb fjal\u00eb \u00ebsht\u00eb chloros<\/em>, rr\u00ebnja e fjal\u00ebs “klorofil<\/em>” – nj\u00eb ngjyr\u00eb e zbeht\u00eb e verdh\u00eb-jeshile, si bari i ri n\u00eb pranver\u00eb. Nd\u00ebrsa rr\u00ebfimtari merr cil\u00ebsin\u00eb e asaj ngjyre, nj\u00eb p\u00ebrkthyes mund ta imagjinoj\u00eb at\u00eb duke u zbehur, duke u fanitur – “kali i zbeht\u00eb<\/em>” te Zbulesa \u00ebsht\u00eb nj\u00eb kal\u00eb chloros<\/em>. Carson synon efektin e kund\u00ebrt. Nd\u00ebrsa rr\u00ebfimtari v\u00ebshtron gruan q\u00eb dashuron, ajo b\u00ebhet m\u00eb e gjelb\u00ebr dhe rreshti b\u00ebhet nj\u00eb shprehje ekstaze n\u00eb kuptimin e saj origjinal. Safo del jasht\u00eb vetes. Dashuria ka b\u00ebr\u00eb q\u00eb ajo t\u00eb braktis\u00eb trupin e saj. E gjelbra b\u00ebhet m\u00eb e gjelb\u00ebr. Disa cil\u00ebsi thelb\u00ebsore thellohen nd\u00ebrsa vetvetja hiqet.<\/p>\n

Fjala “moskrijimi” \u00ebsht\u00eb termi i Weil-it p\u00ebr procesin e l\u00ebvizjes drejt nj\u00eb dashurie kaq t\u00eb pandryshuar sa t\u00eb b\u00ebn t\u00eb lini veten pas. \u201cG\u00ebzimi i p\u00ebrsosur p\u00ebrjashton edhe vet\u00eb ndjenj\u00ebn e g\u00ebzimit<\/em>\u201d, shkruan ajo. “Sepse n\u00eb shpirtin e mbushur nga objekti nuk ka mbetur asnj\u00eb cep p\u00ebr t\u00eb th\u00ebn\u00eb “Un\u00eb.” Ajo \u00ebnd\u00ebrron t\u00eb zhduket, por kjo fantazi rishkruan forc\u00ebn dhe vizionin verbues t\u00eb pranis\u00eb s\u00eb saj intelektuale. \u00cbsht\u00eb nj\u00eb “fakt shpirt\u00ebror thell\u00ebsisht i nd\u00ebrlikuar<\/em>“, shkruan Carson, duke p\u00ebrshkruar problemin e Weil. “Un\u00eb nuk mund t\u00eb shkoj drejt Zotit n\u00eb dashuri, pa e sjell\u00eb veten time pran\u00eb<\/em>.” T\u00eb qenit shkrimtar p\u00ebrb\u00ebn dilem\u00ebn: t\u00eb artikulosh d\u00ebshir\u00ebn p\u00ebr t’u zhdukur do t\u00eb thot\u00eb t\u00eb p\u00ebrs\u00ebris\u00ebsh veten. M\u00eb e gjelb\u00ebr, jo m\u00eb e zbeht\u00eb.<\/p>\n

Libri i Carson p\u00ebrfshin nj\u00eb libreto me tre pjes\u00eb, n\u00eb t\u00eb cil\u00ebn ajo e imagjinon Weil-in n\u00eb nj\u00eb shtrat spitali si “Kori i zbraz\u00ebtis\u00eb vall\u00ebzim me k\u00ebrcitje rreth saj<\/em>“. N\u00eb nj\u00eb rresht q\u00eb m\u00eb b\u00ebn t\u00eb dridhem, Weil i Carson thot\u00eb: “Kisha frik\u00eb se kjo mund t\u00eb mos m\u00eb ndodhte<\/em>“. Ajo skadon n\u00eb hap\u00ebsir\u00ebn e bardh\u00eb q\u00eb pason libretin, duke arritur pik\u00ebn e fundit logjike t\u00eb filozofis\u00eb s\u00eb saj t\u00eb p\u00ebrkushtimit – nj\u00eb ekstaz\u00eb q\u00eb nuk \u00ebsht\u00eb aq e ndryshme nga vdekja. T\u00eb kuptosh vet\u00eb-fshirjen do t\u00eb thot\u00eb t’i afrohesh nj\u00eb asgj\u00ebsimi total, q\u00eb mund t\u00eb arrihet vet\u00ebm nj\u00eb her\u00eb. Kam pyetur veten n\u00ebse kjo \u00ebsht\u00eb pjes\u00eb e arsyes, q\u00eb shum\u00eb t\u00eb krishter\u00eb ungjillor\u00eb duken t\u00eb etur p\u00ebr Rr\u00ebmbimin, ngjarjen e profetizuar, n\u00eb t\u00eb cil\u00ebn ata do t\u00eb largohen nga toka dhe do t\u00eb ngjiten n\u00eb parajs\u00eb. Kur e doni di\u00e7ka aq shum\u00eb sa q\u00eb \u00ebnd\u00ebrroni t\u00eb zbrazni veten p\u00ebr t\u00eb, do t\u00eb faleni q\u00eb d\u00ebshironi ta lini dashurin\u00eb tuaj t\u00eb p\u00ebrfundoj\u00eb pun\u00ebn.<\/p>\n

H<\/span>era e fundit q\u00eb mora pjes\u00eb n\u00eb ndonj\u00eb gj\u00eb n\u00eb kampusin tim t\u00eb vjet\u00ebr t\u00eb kish\u00ebs ishte diplomimi i shkoll\u00ebs s\u00eb mesme. Un\u00eb kisha veshur nj\u00eb fustan t\u00eb bardh\u00eb me lule n\u00ebn nj\u00eb mantel mbret\u00ebror-blu dhe isha n\u00eb sken\u00eb n\u00eb Qendr\u00ebn e Adhurimit, duke par\u00eb dritat e ndezura, drejt ballkoneve bosh, duke mbajtur fjalimin e p\u00ebrsh\u00ebndet\u00ebsit. Un\u00eb kisha b\u00ebr\u00eb nj\u00eb fjalim tjet\u00ebr p\u00ebr miratim. Mezi e mbaj mend at\u00eb q\u00eb p\u00ebrfundova duke th\u00ebn\u00eb – e di q\u00eb b\u00ebra t\u00eb pakt\u00ebn nj\u00eb shaka p\u00ebr Repentagonin. Shok\u00ebt e mi t\u00eb klas\u00ebs b\u00ebrtisnin, por, nd\u00ebrsa kalova sken\u00ebn p\u00ebr t\u00eb pranuar diplom\u00ebn time, nj\u00eb administrator f\u00ebrsh\u00eblleu mosmiratimin e tij. Distanca midis vendit q\u00eb m\u00eb formoi dhe form\u00ebs q\u00eb kisha marr\u00eb ishte n\u00eb natyr\u00eb dhe zgjerohej. Krishtlindjet e ardhshme, kur u ktheva n\u00eb sht\u00ebpi nga kolegji, kisha ime mbajti nj\u00eb sh\u00ebrbim feste n\u00eb Toyota Center, arena e madhe n\u00eb qend\u00ebr t\u00eb qytetit, ku luajn\u00eb Houston Rockets. E kalova pjes\u00ebn m\u00eb t\u00eb madhe t\u00eb pasdites duke u goditur me gur\u00eb me nj\u00eb mik dhe, n\u00eb mes t\u00eb spektaklit, fillova ta humbisja. Ylli i kantirit Clay Walker po k\u00ebndonte, me fytyr\u00ebn e tij t\u00eb madhe n\u00eb jumbotron<\/em>. I lash\u00eb prind\u00ebrit e mi, duke u larguar nga ndenj\u00ebset e stadiumit. Jasht\u00eb, n\u00eb perimetrin e sh\u00ebrbimit ton\u00eb t\u00eb kish\u00ebs, shit\u00ebsit shisnin kokoshka dhe sandui\u00e7e me fileto gjoksi dhe Cola tridhjet\u00eb e dy ons. Shkova n\u00eb banj\u00eb, e tronditur dhe qava.<\/p>\n

Pyes veten n\u00ebse do t\u00eb kisha q\u00ebndruar fetare, n\u00ebse do t\u00eb isha rritur n\u00eb nj\u00eb vend tjet\u00ebr, p\u00ebrve\u00e7 Houston-it dhe n\u00eb nj\u00eb koh\u00eb tjet\u00ebr se tani. Pyes veten se sa ndryshe do t\u00eb isha n\u00ebse do t\u00eb kisha mundur t\u00eb gjeja ndjenj\u00ebn e vet\u00ebshkat\u00ebrrimit t\u00eb p\u00ebrkushtuar vet\u00ebm n\u00ebp\u00ebrmjet Zotit. N\u00eb vend t\u00eb k\u00ebsaj, un\u00eb e kam ngat\u00ebrruar fen\u00eb me drog\u00ebn, drog\u00ebn me muzik\u00ebn, muzik\u00ebn me fen\u00eb. Nuk mund t\u00eb them n\u00ebse prirja ime drejt ekstaz\u00ebs \u00ebsht\u00eb nj\u00eb shenj\u00eb se un\u00eb ende besoj n\u00eb Zot, apo n\u00ebse ishte vet\u00ebm p\u00ebr shkak t\u00eb prirjes ekstatike, q\u00eb kam besuar ndopak. Her\u00ebn e par\u00eb q\u00eb b\u00ebra k\u00ebrpudha, ver\u00ebn pas vitit t\u00eb par\u00eb t\u00eb kolegjit, u ndjeva e pambrojtur dhe e shp\u00ebtuar, sikur dikush sapo t\u00eb m\u00eb kishte th\u00ebn\u00eb se do t\u00eb shkoja n\u00eb Parajs\u00eb. Eca n\u00eb nj\u00eb plazh dhe gjith\u00e7ka u bashkua me logjik\u00ebn e \u00ebmb\u00ebl dhe psikotike t\u00eb “Gjurm\u00ebve n\u00eb r\u00ebr\u00eb<\/em>“. Her\u00ebn e par\u00eb q\u00eb b\u00ebra acid, pash\u00eb p\u00ebrs\u00ebri Per\u00ebndin\u00eb \u2013 pem\u00ebt dhe ret\u00eb rreth meje q\u00eb flak\u00ebronin nga prania, si shkurre e ndezur e Moisiut. Krejt jasht\u00eb mendjes sime, shkrova n\u00eb nj\u00eb pecet\u00eb: “Nuk mund t\u00eb p\u00ebrpunoj asgj\u00eb tani, q\u00eb nuk p\u00ebrfundon n\u00eb pranin\u00eb e Zotit – k\u00ebt\u00eb zbules\u00eb dukem gati ta kem p\u00ebrgjithmon\u00eb n\u00eb forma t\u00eb degraduara<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

Nja dy vjet m\u00eb von\u00eb, b\u00ebra acid n\u00eb shkret\u00ebtir\u00eb, n\u00eb nj\u00eb sht\u00ebpi n\u00eb maj\u00eb t\u00eb nj\u00eb kodre n\u00eb nj\u00eb kanion ku dielli dhe era ishin t\u00eb bardh\u00eb t\u00eb nxeht\u00eb dhe t\u00eb pam\u00ebshirsh\u00ebm. Dola nga sht\u00ebpia dhe zbrita n\u00eb lugin\u00eb, dhe ndjeva se droga hyri kur po endesha n\u00eb pastrim. Shkurret e thata u b\u00ebn\u00eb t\u00eb shk\u00eblqyeshme – m\u00eb t\u00eb gjelbra – dhe nj\u00eb kolib\u00ebr m\u00eb p\u00ebrshkoi aq shpejt sa ngriva. P\u00ebrjetova p\u00ebr her\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00eb fantazin\u00eb e sakt\u00eb t\u00eb zhdukjes s\u00eb Weil. Doja ta shihja peizazhin si\u00e7 ishte kur nuk isha atje. Gjith\u00e7ka ishte val\u00ebzuar. P\u00ebr or\u00eb t\u00eb t\u00ebra, pash\u00eb rrotullimin verbues t\u00eb drit\u00ebs dhe reve, q\u00eb l\u00ebvizte drejt per\u00ebndimit dhe u pendova. N\u00eb per\u00ebndim t\u00eb diellit, qielli shp\u00ebrtheu n\u00eb bozhure me nj\u00eb milje t\u00eb gjer\u00eb, pothuajse sa nj\u00eb krah mbi mua, dhe m\u00eb dukej si nj\u00eb vizit\u00eb, sikur Zoti t\u00eb z\u00ebvend\u00ebsonte frym\u00ebn n\u00eb mushk\u00ebrit\u00eb e mia. Un\u00eb qava, e goditur nga nj\u00eb dashuri q\u00eb e dija se do t\u00eb m\u00eb largohej, e turp\u00ebruar p\u00ebr t\u00eb gjitha m\u00ebnyrat q\u00eb kisha provuar ta \u00e7oja veten n\u00eb k\u00ebt\u00eb, e posht\u00ebruar nga hiri q\u00eb e takova tani. M\u00eb n\u00eb fund u t\u00ebrhoqa zvarr\u00eb brenda dhe u pash\u00eb n\u00eb pasqyr\u00eb. Syt\u00eb m\u00eb ishin lyer me grim t\u00eb zi, fytyra m’u skuq nga t\u00eb qarat, buz\u00ebt m\u00eb ishin fryr\u00eb; nj\u00eb l\u00ebnd\u00eb e trash\u00eb dhe e bardh\u00eb m’u ngjit me kok\u00ebfort\u00ebsi rreth goj\u00ebs. Un\u00eb dukesha si nj\u00eb narkomane. Gjeta nj\u00eb cop\u00eb let\u00ebr dhe, pasi vura re se boja dukej se po merrte frym\u00eb, shkrova: “Situatat n\u00eb jet\u00ebn time kur kam qen\u00eb simpatike ndaj d\u00ebshp\u00ebrimit jan\u00eb situatat kur jam ndier e sigurt se po takoj Per\u00ebndin\u00eb<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

Nuk e di n\u00ebse jam pas s\u00eb v\u00ebrtet\u00ebs apo jam duke u varur nga gjysma e saj n\u00eb pak\u00ebsim. Mund t\u00eb shpresoj vet\u00ebm t\u00eb kujtoj se prirja ime ekstatike \u00ebsht\u00eb burimi i s\u00eb mir\u00ebs n\u00eb mua – spontaniteti, p\u00ebrkushtimi, \u00ebmb\u00eblsia – dhe gj\u00ebrat m\u00eb t\u00eb k\u00ebqija gjithashtu: shkujdesja, boshll\u00ebku, ekuivokimi. E diela n\u00eb kish\u00eb nuk \u00ebsht\u00eb e nj\u00ebjt\u00eb me t\u00eb diel\u00ebn n\u00eb radio.<\/p>\n

N\u00eb vjesht\u00ebn e vitit 2000, disa muaj pasi d\u00ebgjova p\u00ebr her\u00eb t\u00eb par\u00eb muzik\u00ebn e DJ Screw, ai u gjet i vdekur n\u00eb dyshemen\u00eb e banj\u00ebs n\u00eb studion e tij, me nj\u00eb mb\u00ebshtjell\u00ebs akulloreje n\u00eb dor\u00eb. Ai ishte nj\u00ebzet e n\u00ebnt\u00eb. Mjek\u00ebt zbuluan se trupi i tij ishte plot me kodein\u00eb; gjaku i tij gjithashtu rrjedh me Valium dhe PCP. Zemra e tij u mbush, ndoshta si rezultat i dit\u00ebve dhe net\u00ebve t\u00eb ulura n\u00eb vorbull\u00ebn e k\u00ebndshme t\u00eb studios. N\u00eb funeralin e tij, n\u00eb Smithville, qyteti ku ai u rrit, t\u00eb moshuarit k\u00ebnduan ungjillin dhe reper\u00ebt tund\u00ebn kok\u00ebn n\u00eb heshtje s\u00eb bashku me himnet. Njer\u00ebzit u rreshtuan jasht\u00eb kish\u00ebs ashtu si\u00e7 kishin b\u00ebr\u00eb jasht\u00eb sht\u00ebpis\u00eb s\u00eb Screw, p\u00ebr t\u00eb marr\u00eb kasetat e tyre. Ata po nderonin tingullin q\u00eb err\u00ebsoi autostradat anonime, t\u00eb paqarta t\u00eb Hjustonit, q\u00eb dep\u00ebrtoi n\u00ebp\u00ebr damar\u00ebt e qytetit, duke vendosur hapin dhe ritmin e njer\u00ebzve t\u00eb tij teksa rr\u00ebshqisnin pran\u00eb nj\u00ebri-tjetrit me makina.<\/p>\n

At\u00eb vit, hipa n\u00eb nj\u00eb autobus dhe hipa n\u00eb nj\u00eb kolon\u00eb n\u00eb lindje drejt Alabam\u00ebs me nj\u00eb mij\u00eb f\u00ebmij\u00eb t\u00eb tjer\u00eb. N\u00eb nj\u00eb plazh n\u00eb mes t\u00eb askundit, mor\u00ebm pjes\u00eb n\u00eb pag\u00ebzime masive, ngrit\u00ebm duart n\u00eb sh\u00ebrbime t\u00eb m\u00ebdha ku t\u00eb gjith\u00eb qanin n\u00eb err\u00ebsir\u00eb. M\u00eb pas u p\u00ebrqafuam me nj\u00ebri-tjetrin n\u00eb autobus dhe n\u00eb m\u00ebngjes fol\u00ebm se sa mir\u00eb ishte t\u00eb shp\u00ebtoheshim. M\u00eb von\u00eb, ishte nj\u00eb nga djemt\u00eb nga ai udh\u00ebtim, q\u00eb cop\u00ebtoi vargje n\u00eb tryez\u00ebn e kuzhin\u00ebs s\u00eb shoqes sime, nd\u00ebrsa un\u00eb kaloja n\u00ebp\u00ebr pishin\u00ebn e saj, e dehur nga shurupi, duke par\u00eb yjet. Ka disa institucione \u2013 drog\u00eb, kish\u00eb, para \u2013 q\u00eb e lidhin superstruktur\u00ebn e pasuris\u00eb s\u00eb bardh\u00eb n\u00eb Hjuston me zemr\u00ebn e kultur\u00ebs zezake dhe kafe n\u00ebn t\u00eb. Ka ndjenja, si ekstazia, q\u00eb ofrojn\u00eb nj\u00eb lidhje t\u00eb pathyeshme midis virtytit dhe vesit. Nuk duhet t\u00eb besosh nj\u00eb zbules\u00eb, p\u00ebr t\u00eb kuptuar se di\u00e7ka brenda saj ishte e v\u00ebrtet\u00eb.\u2666<\/p>\n

Botuar n\u00eb botimin e shtypur t\u00eb numrit t\u00eb 27 majit 2019<\/a>, me titullin “Ekstazi”.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\" Jia Tolentino<\/strong><\/a> \u00ebsht\u00eb nj\u00eb shkrimtare e stafit n\u00eb The New Yorker. Ajo \u00ebsht\u00eb autore e p\u00ebrmbledhjes s\u00eb eseve “Trick Mirror<\/a>” (Pasqyra e trukeve<\/em>).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

1. t\u00eb kesh frik\u00eb ekstreme ose irracionale p\u00ebr t\u00eb hyr\u00eb n\u00eb vende t\u00eb hapura ose t\u00eb mbushura me njer\u00ebz, p\u00ebr t\u00eb dal\u00eb nga sht\u00ebpia ose p\u00ebr t\u00eb qen\u00eb n\u00eb vende, nga t\u00eb cilat ikja \u00ebsht\u00eb e v\u00ebshtir\u00eb.<\/em>
\n2. sytjena t\u00eb mbushura ose t\u00eb lidhura me kabllo p\u00ebr t’i dh\u00ebn\u00eb ngritje gjoksit.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Un\u00eb jam larguar nga feja institucionale p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime, pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vjet duke \u00e7montuar at\u00eb q\u00eb nd\u00ebrtuan t\u00eb pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00ebt e para. Ilustrimi nga Shawna X Histori Personale | Numri 27 maj 2019 Krishterimi formoi instinktet e mia m\u00eb t\u00eb thella dhe un\u00eb jam larguar prej tij p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime. Nga Jia Tolentino, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":74738,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,35],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-74737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-artikuj","category-kulture"],"yoast_head":"\nHumbja e fes\u00eb dhe gjetja e ekstaz\u00ebs n\u00eb Hjuston - FJALA e LIR\u00cb<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jehonashqiptare.al\/fjala\/humbja-e-fese-dhe-gjetja-e-ekstazes-ne-hjuston\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Humbja e fes\u00eb dhe gjetja e ekstaz\u00ebs n\u00eb Hjuston - FJALA e LIR\u00cb\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Un\u00eb jam larguar nga feja institucionale p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime, pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00eb vjet duke \u00e7montuar at\u00eb q\u00eb nd\u00ebrtuan t\u00eb pes\u00ebmb\u00ebdhjet\u00ebt e para. 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Ilustrimi nga Shawna X Histori Personale | Numri 27 maj 2019 Krishterimi formoi instinktet e mia m\u00eb t\u00eb thella dhe un\u00eb jam larguar prej tij p\u00ebr gjysm\u00ebn e jet\u00ebs sime. 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